Hello and welcome!
I guess the best place to start is...my name? At 20 years old, I have had my fill of reality and decided to proclaim myself Marquise Seafoam of the Kingdom of Predstavivost'. I absolutely adore studying and learning about history and cultures, and especially theology/mythology. Of all the titles that rulers have taken throughout history and across the world "Marquise" (which is the non-English, female form of "Marquess") has always been my favourite. A Marquise/Marquess is between a Duke/Duchess and an Earl and somewhat tied with a Count/Countess. While a Count would guard and oversee land throughout the kingdom, a Marquise would guard the border territories, making them slightly more important as they were on the "front lines". Anyways, continuing on, I chose the name "Seafoam" because of all the colors in a box of crayons, seafoam was always the one left untouched, unwanted. It is sort of an ugly color, so this is understandable, but as a kid I always tried to use the seafoam crayon so it would not be left out. And I suppose it is an apt metaphor for my own existence. And now that I have completely bored you to tears, let's move on!
I've just recently turned 20 years old. I was homeschooled for the vast majority of my early education and finished high school early at age 16. I then went onto college and got my Associates in Fine Arts at 18. For various reasons I have not continued my education and may never continue. Throughout my life I have wanted to be an Egyptologist (from ages 6-11 I was absolutely obsessed with any and all things pertaining to Egypt, and I mean OBSESSED), an artist/graphic novelist/illustrator/animator/videogame designer, a writer, a historian or theologist (there's a profitable and highly in demand profession, right?), an alternative (i.e. Steampunk, Lolita, etc.) fashion designer, and even a lawyer. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but I think you get the idea. What's important is that I know I could easily be any one of these, or more than one. What's also important is that since the age of 10 or so I have been struggling with multiple "mental health issues" that have completely gotten in the way and destroyed any hope I had of ever achieving my goals. Namely major depressive disorder (which is equivalent to saying "I will never be happy"...awesome), basic anxiety issues (especially concerning social situations), my most recent edition of anorexia nervosa, and potentially asperger syndrome. There's probably a personality disorder in there as well, but due to my hatred/fear of doctors...we may never know. I know that deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeeep down, the old me is still barely alive and breathing and capable of doing incredible things with her life. I know that girl is intelligent, talented and able to do anything she sets her mind to. But I haven't seen her for a very long time and I know every day she is dying a little more. I honestly don't know if I will live long enough to see her again...but I hope so.
For the past few months I've found myself in an odd situation. I still live at home with my family and have been out of a job since first going into recovery for my eating disorder. Both my family and I realize now that if I go back to the same sort of minimum wage job I have been in and out of for the past few years, I will end up killing myself. So they are being very understanding and trying to give me space and time to figure out what exactly it is I want to do (namely, work on artistic pursuits, or decide if I would like to go back to school, or anything really, they are very hands off). I have been too depressed and confident-less to really deal with my future, and have been back on the eating disorder horse lately. My family knows this, and is very concerned, but says they will not prod me this time. They know recovery did not help the first time because I did not want it and was only going through it for them. I know I'm hurting them now, but until I want it, recovery is just a waste of time. So basically a side order of guilt to my already awesome life. I'm hoping if I can just get to and maintain a weight I'm ok with, I can get my life back on track. Or something. It's all sort of mess at this point and maintaining a will to live is my biggest goal as of right now.
So on that uplifting note...if anyone wants to talk about anything, I'm ready and able. Even if I can't help myself, hopefully I will be able to help others.
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