Little Victory...

Weight: 127.8 lbs

Marquise Seafoam's day just got a little brighter. ^.^

Thank you, skinny. You were right, I know it was stupid to think my body would act like clockwork.

Actually, I'm going to be making a few changes. I am not going to weigh myself until the end of the week. *dies* I really need to focus on sewing up my costume and not depressing myself to the point of oblivion. While there was definitely some hecticness occurring the last couple of days, my lack of results had been the main cause of my severe drop in mood. My family noticed and began to worry a bit (in their hands off, don't really mention it outright sort of way). That's not good, and Seafoam doesn't want to make this any harder on them then it has to be. And to be honest, my weight will probably start dropping off in small chunks, rather than a pound or so each day, from this point on. So by the time the 9th rolls around, some change will have actually occurred by that point (knock on wood).

Oh, I actually tried to get some pictures of my old artwork up, but my scanner is being a bit stupid right now and won't connect to any of the computers in the house. When I have time, I will coerce my tech savvy brother try to fix it.

Alright, going to go get the day started...

Marquise Seafoam

Words...

“But why?” she gasped between heaving sobs “Why do I have to hurt so much? Why must I always be alone in this dark, cold space, hurting so much? Why?”
For a moment, God said and did nothing. Then, extinguishing his cigarette and shoving a hand in his pocket, he turned to leave that dark, cold space. As his last footsteps echoed endlessly around the girl he tilted his head back and chuckled out, “There hasn’t really been anything on TV lately.”

 There once was a Magpie who lived on the outskirts of a city. The city was dirty and crowded and full of things that scared the Magpie. The Magpie had once lived in a small wood out in the countryside and had been very happy, even though it had only been for a short time. Shortly after coming to the city, the Magpie’s wings hand been clipped and she could no longer fly as she once had. Sometimes, if she tried very hard, she could flip and flap for a few moments, but no more.

Even though the Magpie could no longer fly, she tried very hard to work for and learn from the other birds in the city. Most paid the Magpie no mind, for now she was hardly a bird without her wings. But then one day, very unexpectedly, a dove came and perched right beside the Magpie.
                “Oh, my,” thought the Magpie, “what a beautiful dove, and what beautiful wings! This dove must be ever so happy.”
                “I was just admiring your wings,” said the Dove, “I wish mine were as beautiful as yours!”
                “Oh!” exclaimed the Magpie, not actually expecting the Dove to speak to her. “You are mistaken! My wings have been clipped and ruined, while yours are so soft and white. Surely, you cannot admire them.”
The Dove only laughed and took the Magpie by surprise as she continued to converse with her. The two birds spoke of many things and quickly came to find that they enjoyed each other’s company very much. It was not long before the Magpie and the Dove found themselves perching together side by side as often as they could. Though for the Magpie, this was never enough. The Magpie had never met anyone quite like the Dove and no other bird had ever decided to perch beside the Magpie before. Soon, the Dove became very precious and important to the Magpie. But the Dove did not realize this, for she had perched beside many birds before, and many birds had perched beside her. While the Magpie was indeed very precious to the Dove, she was not the most important bird in the Dove’s life. The Magpie knew this, but only hoped for the Dove’s happiness.
As the seasons changed in the dark city, the Magpie realized the Dove did not seem to perch beside her as often as before. It was very difficult for the Magpie to search the city for the Dove, and by the end of each day, her wings had grown tired and hurt ever so much. Soon, the Magpie began to accept that maybe the Dove would not want to spend any time with a bird that could no longer fly. There were surely other birds that the Dove must know who were much more enjoyable to fly and perch with.
                “I hope the Dove is happy, wherever she may be,” the Magpie thought, sadly. “I do not wish to trouble her with my clipped, broken wings any longer.”
                Unbeknownst to the now very lonely Magpie, the Dove was burrowed away deep in her nest, very sad and lonely herself. The Magpie had believed that the Dove had many other wonderful birds to fly and perch with, and that the Dove had simply lost interest in her. But the Dove was far more similar to the Magpie than the Magpie had ever thought. The Dove’s wings looked soft and white, but in fact hurt very much. It was very difficult for the Dove to fly and most days now, she simply lay in her nest.
Even more seasons passed, and the Magpie and the Dove saw each other very little, sometimes only in passing. The Magpie’s loneliness grew, now that she knew what a life without loneliness was like. Her wings began to wither and her once beautiful feathers began to fall out. She too took to her nest and stayed there for many days and nights at a time. Soon, the Magpie did not want to eat, did not want to preen, did not want to perch, did not want to watch the other birds at all. And though she still longed for the days when she perched with the Dove, she knew it was for the best that the Dove had left her. The Dove deserved happiness, and the Magpie now knew no bird could be happy with her, a bird without wings.
Eventually, the Magpie had grown very tired and weak, and almost all of her feathers had fallen out. A neighboring crow had spotted the Magpie after some time and screeched and cawed to her during all hours of the day. The Magpie tried her best to be polite and kind to the Crow, a bird to whom no other birds wanted much to do with, but it was not long before she found she no longer had the strength to handle the Crow’s constant screeches and desires to fly.
                “I will never find another bird like the Dove. I am not worthy of ever finding another bird like the Dove. I will hide from the Crow and never leave my nest again.”
                And so the Magpie hid from the Crow, and never left her nest again. Featherless, exhausted, hungry, and alone, the Magpie found she only had the strength to think of her times in the countryside and with the Dove, even though it hurt her very much.
                But still, even as her last feather fell, she hoped the Dove was happy.

After hours of searching, we finally found the hole. It looked unassuming and fairly average.

“I thought it would be bigger.”

“Everyone does.”

I shuffled close to the edge and peered down, unable to see the bottom.

“You ready?”

“Mmm.”

“Oh for the love of…you saps are all the same. Beg and plead me to show the way, and when I finally do, you go and get cold feet on me. You going to go or not? Because I’m not doing this again. I hate coming out here.”

“I am…it’s just…”

I could see sharp rocks and bits of rotting tree roots lining the walls. I knew there was no way I wouldn’t be scarred on the way down.

“You told me this is what you wanted.”

“It is. I mean…I just didn’t know it would look like that. How deep is this thing?”

“Don’t really know, it’s different for everyone. I’m not really in charge of these things, I’m just the guide.”

I took a step closer.

“Will the fall kill me?”

“If you’re lucky.”

Marquise Seafoam

Nonsense...

129.2 lbs

I'm sorry, come again?

So basically, consuming 120-150 calories a day does not result in losing weight. Awesome. I guess I should just throw any and all concepts of math, biology, and reality out the window. It's not like they apply to me. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh...

Yesterday ended up being busier and hectic-er (word?) than I planned for, and today may be even worse. Have to leave in a few minutes to start my day, so will post again later on this evening or so.

Seafoam is getting discouraged. Seafoam is fighting the desire to buy (and use) laxatives. Seafoam doesn't ever want to consume a calorie again...

Marquise Seafoam

Why do I have to hide?

For those who care, my weight is exactly the same as yesterday: 129.2 lbs. Which would be alright under normal circumstances (since I lost a pound yesterday), but I ended up finally going to the bathroom after about a week of errr...not going, so I was expecting that to have some amount of impact. I guess not. I even looked fatter and almost bloated in the mirror...and I don't understand why. I have been debating whether my one cup of 120 calorie tomato soup is too much for one day and have been wanting to try bouillon cubes instead, but I need the little amount of energy it gives me, especially now that I'm going to start sweatshopping my costume. I don't know what to do. I'm just glad I finally went to the bathroom, I was seriously considering using laxatives again. I never abused them in the past, never took more than two at a time and used them only once or twice every week or so (sometimes two). I just know that laxatives can easily becoming a trip down the rabbit hole, and a particularly nasty rabbit hole at that. A rabbit hole I never wanted to fall down (even though I'm totally at ease with my body eating away at itself...how do I draw these lines?).

Anyways, what follows is going to be Seafoam sounding depressive and nasty and miserable and you should feel free to just skip it. I'm going to apologize in advance. Alright...

I hate how I can't even allow myself to let my guard down and be myself (be completely myself) even here on this anonymous-floating-in-the-wind-where-almost-no-one-reads-these-thoughts location. I'm trying to be as upbeat and non-depressing as possible, because that's how I always am. I hide everything and just keep burying and burying all the nastiness away, even other people's nastiness until I'm so full I finally break and act ridiculous. I'm such a doormat and a pushover, I can never speak up for myself or let other's know that something is hurting me or that I'm not doing alright. I have to be alright for everyone around me, and I can't even do a good job at that. My family knows that I have an eating disorder and aren't trying to corral me or nag me about it, they are trying to be as considerate as they possibly can by giving me space to get through it. I told them that I'm just going through a SAD (seasonal affective disorder) phase and that winter is really difficult for me (which is true) and that the next month or so I just need to not eat. How much more of a horrible person can I be? A complete stranger could cut off my arm and I would somehow turn the situation into my fault, beg for their forgiveness or somehow believe that I deserved it. But to my own family, who loves me, cares about me, and who I am literally killing inside and out with my problems, I tell them that I don't care enough about them to try and get better. That I have to just not eat. My mother cries at night about me and what I'm doing to myself all the time, my father (who I've not always been close to and have a somewhat strained relationship), has been trying his hardest to have hear-to-heart talks with me and trying his truly best to understand me and my situation. I know so many people have complete and utter horror story families and here I am with mine, I'm the horror show of my family, not them. I hate how my eating comes before my family. They are the only people in this world who love and care about me, I have no one else, and I treat them like shit. I can't even kill myself (and I've tried) because I know it would destroy them. I sometimes wish I had an awful, abusive family, that way I would at least have an excuse for why I am the way I am. But I don't. They are incredible. I am dirt.

And fat dirt to boot. I'm so tired of being the ugly, disgusting one no matter where I go or who I'm with. My entire life I have always been the ugly, awkward, insignificant third (or fifth, or seventh, or twenty-third) wheel. I have had only one person whom I have ever considered a "true friend" my entire life, and only found out it was a lie. Outside of my family, no one has ever cared about me, truly and honestly cared about me. I have always just been "the girl who draws a lot" or "that quiet girl" or "the one over there reading/knitting/crocheting/whatever". I have never been someone's best friend, even though I thought two or three people had been mine at times. I've pretty much given up hoping someone will actually want to interact with me. Not that I blame them. I'm not pretty, I'm fat, I can't talk freely with others, I have odd interests and wear odd clothes, I have no "adventures" or friendships to speak of, I'm terrified of being outside in public and meeting or interacting with strangers or people in general, it's not like I can eat meals with them, I've done nothing with my life, I would never be able to hug them or let them come close to me, I'm a miserable person. I'm insignificant. I just want one person to tell me that they are completely alright with the way I am and that they care. Who doesn't mind just plain old being my friend. But maybe I don't deserve that? Maybe that's too good for me. It probably is.

I want my own pet so badly. Something I can just be with and love and know it loves me back (in its own way). The family has a dog, Bailey, who is adorable and loving. But also lazy and troublesome at the same time. I want my own little bird or hedgehog or...something, that I can play with and know that it's mine and I'm the whole world to this creature. That is possibly the most pathetic thing I have written so far. But the whole point of this was to not hold back. I can't hide anymore, even though it terrifies me to show people who I really am. That I'm just a broken, scared, confused, lost little girl who doesn't know where to turn and what to do. She's going down a dangerous path and is running through it at full force, glad that at least it's a path to something and not just aimless wandering anymore. Even if the path leads to a cliff, she'll probably make the jump. Maybe there is something nice at the end of it.

Look at all of this nonsense. I'm glad hardly anyone will read about. But I'm starting to believe that if I don't share at least some of the gazillion thoughts rushing through my brain at all hours, I will snap. Again. And I don't want that. I'm so pathetic.

I hope everyone is having a good day at least. It's snowing here again, and it's beautiful. But I can't take the cold anymore. The family may be moving south soon, and if it happens, it can't happen soon enough. Alright, I have to start sewing already, I've wasted enough of everyone's time.

Oh, and skinny: Happy Pre-Birthday! I hope it's a really great day for you tomorrow, no stress, no worries. Try not to freak over food or anything. It's your birthday, if you want cake...eat that cake!

Marquise Seafoam    

Weight, Wigs, and Water...

Weight: 129.2 lbs

Yay. ^.^

I'm still losing roughly a pound every day (or two), so I'm pretty satisfied. It may be a little farfetched, but I could possibly drop down to a nice round 120 flat by the time the convention rolls around in two weeks. I would throw a freakin' parade down main street if that were the case. The point is: I'm once again in the 120's and for that I am grateful. It's still a long way off from my ultimate goal, but I don't feel quite so disgusted with myself, at least.

A lot of the girls in the other blogs I've been reading lately seem to have been hit pretty badly by the binge-fast/restrict faerie. I feel so badly for them, and I know that that mindset is a complete bitch to get out of. I seem to be on the opposite side of the spectrum (for the time being at least). I don't think I could eat, much less binge, even if I wanted to. My brain simply won't allow me to ruin what I've accomplished. I know I feel tired and worn down, and to some degree, a mutated form of "hunger", and my family may be eating snacks and delicious looking foods right next to me or offering me meals I once loved, but my body simply won't allow me to partake. I once used to be terrified to go into the pantry in our house because I didn't want to chance fate in any way and ruin my streak. Now, I could live in there fairly comfortably because I know I wouldn't even dream of eating anything on those stocked shelves. In the back of my mind, I wonder how long this can last...

(I'm so sorry if I sound like I'm bragging or putting others down in any way, I'm truly not. I know we are all going through or own struggles and handling them as best we can.)

Anyways...

My dusty, rose pink wig came in last night, and it is so pretty and cute! I've never worn a wig before and I have to say, I love it! I have pretty short hair, for about 10 years/half my life I've had veeeeery short pixie cuts and am just now trying to grow my hair out, so it looks like a shaggy mop right now. But this wig is so pretty and long! And I mean, it's pink. I may actually have become addicted, I could see myself buying a whole bunch of different wigs in all sorts of colors and styles and wearing a new one every day or week or something. Haha, or something. Since the dawn of time I've wanted looooong white hair, so I already know that that would be my first choice. We shall see...

In other ED news: I've been trying really hard to up my water consumption. I won't lie, I don't like water. I know that's a little odd to say, but I really just don't like the taste (or tastelessness, rather). I'll take tea any day. I know it's good for weight loss and just for your body in general, so I'm pushing myself to drink more. I probably only end up drinking about half the daily recommended amount of water, which is awful, so I'm pushing myself from now on to drink at least the recommended amount, if not more. *sigh* I hate water.

My hip bones are also starting to protrude again, as well as my collar bone. I love bones, love to draw them, love to see them on my body. They're beautiful. Collar and hip bones especially. I love to run my fingers over them, so I'm glad they're starting to come back. Seafoam has missed her bones. This may all seem a little...morbid to say, but I'm just trying to be truthful, and I feel pretty confident that I'm not the first ED girl to admit she loves her bones.

Still want a thigh gap though, of course. :( Oh so very badly.

Alright, I guess that's about it for now. Marquise Seafoam has to venture out into the world to get her oil changed today *terrifying*, so wish me luck. Will try to post some art today (once again, hopefully), maybe some older works. Hope everyone has a good day!

Marquise Seafoam

Super Happy Kuma Dance! And a Plethora of Tidbits...

Weight: 130.0 lbs

Fuck. Yeah.

Who just made their first goal weight? Marquise Seafoam did! Huzzah! Huzzah! HUZZAH! And it is fuh-lat. 130 exactly. And it's February 1st to boot, which was a sort of mini goal I had for myself. And the scale was actually sort of fluttering between 129.8 and 130.0, so that's pretty awesome too. Actually, a lot of good things have happened today, and the day has only just started! Besides my weight, it also snowed this morning! I looooooove snow! It wasn't too much, but the ground is covered and it is all nice and untouched, virgin snow, and the trees are all covered in icicles... *rambles and drools* I really despise winter, but I love snow, in the end it all evens out. My period also got its butt utterly kicked and it is packing its bags, ready for departure! It was very short this month, which bodes good for Seafoam. Hopefully, I will end up skipping it entirely within the next cycle or two.

Another nice little goody I found out about (last night actually, but I digress), is that Seafoam's circle lenses arrived! This requires a little explanation. In two weeks, my sister and I will be attending a convention (centering around Japanese otaku culture, i.e. anime, videogames, manga, etc.) and I am dressing in costume as a human version of Fluttershy from MLP. I have all/most of my materials, I just have to sew her costume (I absolutely need to work under pressure, so I am a huuuuuuge procrastinator) and make her wings (I love characters with wings!) and I was waiting for my blue circle lenses and pink wig to arrive. Still waiting on the darn wig, but my lenses came and they look great! Within the next couple of days I will start sewing like a madwoman. Hopefully I can post some pictures of my progress, or at least the final stages. I'm a little worried that I will need to increase my calorie count in order to have the energy to sew (it's a lot more exhausting than it looks, trust me), but I will try a day or two without any changes in order to see. This convention is actually why I have been really getting my butt into high gear as far as the restricting goes. I refuse to be fat and ugly for it, and I am determined to look cute and adorable in my Fluttershy costume! If all goes according to plan, by the time I go, I should be in the low to mid 120s. Which would be great.


Here's a reference picture for Fluttershy...basically the best (and cutest) character of all time...

And before I forget, Seafoam has a new follower! Welcome skinny bitch! (I feel so awful calling you that, is "skinny" ok?) Skinny and I are both the same height, 5'7". Hurray for slightly taller than average girls!

Today I am going to try and maybe upload some old art of mine...or some thinspo...or something. Hopefully. I am determined, however, to draw my alter ego "Marquise Seafoam" and turn it into my background for this otherwise dull and lifeless looking blog. So look forward to that, I suppose. I may also try to come up with some little "rewards" for reaching a few of my goal weights. I have a feeling they will probably end up being piercings of some sort (I have a weird obsession with piercings, even though I only have two in each of my lobes).

Alrighty, I guess that is all for now. Hope everyone's day is going as well as mine!

Marquise Seafoam

It's ewwness all around...

*sigh*

Today is going to be...not so fun.

So I'm still 131.8 lbs. Which is to be expected because it's period time for Seafoam. (I hate euphemisms for periods, and I'm too tired to come up with anything cute or clever anyways.) Hurray for bloating, right? I am in no way joking when I say that part of my "goal" with this eating disorder (beyond losing weight, of course) is to once again have amenorrhea. That was fan-fucking-tastic let me tell you. No more bloat, no more cramps that feel like a chainsaw is being stirred around in my guts like a fork twirling spaghetti, no more nausea, no more constant and debilitating drowsiness, no more anything. And if prolonged amenorhhea should happen to lead to infertility, all the better. I'm asexual and have absolutely no desire for children, much less marriage, sex, or even romantic relationships. At all. *shiver*

I just hope that by tomorrow the bloat starts to dissipate and I can lose at least .8 of a pound. I have a personal goal of being 130.whatever by February 1st, which is tomorrow. And then lose about 10 lbs. for the next two months or so. It's totally within my grasp, I just want it to happen already.

Prior to creating this blog I have been restricting...pretty rigorously. Since January 19th (just under two weeks ago) I have only been consuming one cup of tomato soup a day (120 cal) and all the water, 5 calorie per serving peach tea, and gum I need to keep from going insane. All in all if I add up the little collection of 5 cal drinks and gum, I'm consuming about 150-170 calories a day, liquids only. If it's really, really cold in my house (which it always seems to be, winter is a bitch) I'll have a nice hot cup of herbal tea with a touch of honey (never more than one serving of 60 calories). So far I have not strayed at all, which I am so proud of myself for. I know that within the next two weeks I am going to have difficulties because I'll actually need some energy to function, but I'll deal with that when it comes. For now, I'm just enjoying seeing the numbers drop.

Ugh. I feel like crap. Crap on a stick. All my insides are hurty. And it's so cold. So cold. I just want to sleep for...about a month or two...or five. I can't wait till this week is over.

I promise I'll make this blog look decent and post more interesting things when I feel alive again. For now I'm just going to curl up in the fetal position.

Marquise Seafoam

First Post/Test Run/Introduction/Whateverness...

Just trying to get things set up and whatnot. For first time viewers (which would happen to be any viewers at this point), I'll list out the basic goals and my motivation for this blog...

First and foremost, most of my ramblings will almost definitely center around restriction/eating disorder escapades. You have been warned. I have been through both the "disease" and "recovery" aspects of an eating disorder over the past year and for the past two weeks or so have been back in "disease" mode. I have little to no intention of "recovering" again, as my first "recovery" was against my will, me kicking and screaming the whole way. Please know that while I am here to share my own eating disorder experiences and would certainly offer any help I could to those going through similar experiences, I am NOT here to "help" others become anorexic or to treat anorexia (or any eating disorder) like it is a diet.

Beyond that, I'm sure I'll end up talking about whatever nonsense is going through my head, or posting some of my art/doodles. I guess this blog will be a sort of anonymous creative outlet, which I hope will be good for me in the end. I am insanely self-conscious about my art and have literally no confidence in my abilities most of the time. Which sucks. I also love to come up with characters and worlds and stories, but with these too I am unable to share. So I'm sure I'll end up talking about all of my "children" at some point as well.

And just dealing with personality/mood disorders and the craziness that comes with them.

Soooooo...that's the bulk of it I guess. Enjoy?

Marquise Seafoam