It's ewwness all around...

*sigh*

Today is going to be...not so fun.

So I'm still 131.8 lbs. Which is to be expected because it's period time for Seafoam. (I hate euphemisms for periods, and I'm too tired to come up with anything cute or clever anyways.) Hurray for bloating, right? I am in no way joking when I say that part of my "goal" with this eating disorder (beyond losing weight, of course) is to once again have amenorrhea. That was fan-fucking-tastic let me tell you. No more bloat, no more cramps that feel like a chainsaw is being stirred around in my guts like a fork twirling spaghetti, no more nausea, no more constant and debilitating drowsiness, no more anything. And if prolonged amenorhhea should happen to lead to infertility, all the better. I'm asexual and have absolutely no desire for children, much less marriage, sex, or even romantic relationships. At all. *shiver*

I just hope that by tomorrow the bloat starts to dissipate and I can lose at least .8 of a pound. I have a personal goal of being 130.whatever by February 1st, which is tomorrow. And then lose about 10 lbs. for the next two months or so. It's totally within my grasp, I just want it to happen already.

Prior to creating this blog I have been restricting...pretty rigorously. Since January 19th (just under two weeks ago) I have only been consuming one cup of tomato soup a day (120 cal) and all the water, 5 calorie per serving peach tea, and gum I need to keep from going insane. All in all if I add up the little collection of 5 cal drinks and gum, I'm consuming about 150-170 calories a day, liquids only. If it's really, really cold in my house (which it always seems to be, winter is a bitch) I'll have a nice hot cup of herbal tea with a touch of honey (never more than one serving of 60 calories). So far I have not strayed at all, which I am so proud of myself for. I know that within the next two weeks I am going to have difficulties because I'll actually need some energy to function, but I'll deal with that when it comes. For now, I'm just enjoying seeing the numbers drop.

Ugh. I feel like crap. Crap on a stick. All my insides are hurty. And it's so cold. So cold. I just want to sleep for...about a month or two...or five. I can't wait till this week is over.

I promise I'll make this blog look decent and post more interesting things when I feel alive again. For now I'm just going to curl up in the fetal position.

Marquise Seafoam

First Post/Test Run/Introduction/Whateverness...

Just trying to get things set up and whatnot. For first time viewers (which would happen to be any viewers at this point), I'll list out the basic goals and my motivation for this blog...

First and foremost, most of my ramblings will almost definitely center around restriction/eating disorder escapades. You have been warned. I have been through both the "disease" and "recovery" aspects of an eating disorder over the past year and for the past two weeks or so have been back in "disease" mode. I have little to no intention of "recovering" again, as my first "recovery" was against my will, me kicking and screaming the whole way. Please know that while I am here to share my own eating disorder experiences and would certainly offer any help I could to those going through similar experiences, I am NOT here to "help" others become anorexic or to treat anorexia (or any eating disorder) like it is a diet.

Beyond that, I'm sure I'll end up talking about whatever nonsense is going through my head, or posting some of my art/doodles. I guess this blog will be a sort of anonymous creative outlet, which I hope will be good for me in the end. I am insanely self-conscious about my art and have literally no confidence in my abilities most of the time. Which sucks. I also love to come up with characters and worlds and stories, but with these too I am unable to share. So I'm sure I'll end up talking about all of my "children" at some point as well.

And just dealing with personality/mood disorders and the craziness that comes with them.

Soooooo...that's the bulk of it I guess. Enjoy?

Marquise Seafoam